Deer Sandy Claws,

Dis is Merlin 'n Sarah 'n Obi (Obi's real namey is Obidiah, but wees all call him Obi). I wanted to thanky youe for gibbin de big steel muzzler to Sarah las yeer insteada to mee. It tooked her almoss a month to get it off 'n she diddent bitey me a singul time fur a hole month. It wuz like hebben.

But any weigh, I wanted to pologize (won mour time...) bout lass year. I tole Sarah dat it wood be you kummin down de chimbnee, but she diddent lissen, 'n whin you kamed down de chimbnee, shee sed it wuzza burglur, 'n I wuz asleap at de time, 'n I gotted reel eksited. Ime verry sorrey bout bighting you like dat, 'n eatin youre peppery spray kan, 'n chassin de rane-doors 'n stuff. Butt when I gotted into de slay 'n day tooked offen wif me, dat wuz fun. Aftir dey kamed bak 'n leff me 'n you gotted into de slay, I hopey dat you gotted to go to eberybody elsez housey to leeb de prezzents. I'm verry sorree, 'n I hoap you wonte still be madd at mee 'n Sarah.

Dis is reel portant, 'cause we gots a babby, Obi, 'n he hazzent eber gottened inny Krismus prezents 'cause dis is hiz furs Krismus.

I hav beened a VERRRRRRRY gud ADT dis yeer. I diddent growl at Sarah or inny uv her pubbees, 'n I eben helpied her keepy won pubbee (Obi) azza pet. I diddent poop or pee in de housey or kar-kar ('cept when I got sik dat time while I was in mie kratey, 'n I kouldent help it dat time), 'n I diddent eben steel inny fud from de hoomans (OK, not much). So eben though you arr probly still madd at me, I'm gonna ask for a kupple of thinges.

Obi haz chude up my favorite squeeky hedgey hoggy, an I miss it a lot. It wuz my bestest toy, 'n I bin havin bad dreems eber scents it got eatened. Iffen you kud get me anudder won for Chrismus, I would really like it a lot, 'n I woodent let Obi chu it up dis time. 'N iffen you cud get mee som moar tennis ballz dat wood be nise, too, 'caws I had to let Sarah hab alla de wons whut I had when she wuz trapped in de nursery wif alla de babbees.

Mos' portant uv all, PLEEEEZE bring nise prezzents to Obi - I hab tole him whut a nise, speshul, 'n maggick person you are and dat you wood bringey him som pressentz. Heez reel nise 'n he deserves sum toys uv hiz own so dat he dozent hab to steal stuff from de hoomans 'n Sarah 'n mee to play wif. 'N pleeze bring Sarah lotsa nise stuff - she's mie bess pal, 'n eben dough shee is reel bossy 'n fussy, she kant helpey it, 'n shee deserfs sum gud stuff, too. 'N sumtimz shee smells REEEL gud (dats whear Obi kamed from, I thinkey.) So pleeze bring nice stuff to Sarah 'n Obi eben iffen you arr still Madd at me. Pleeze.

Youre pall,
    Merlin daWunda Dale

Deer Sandy Claws,

Dis is Obi - my ADTdad, Merlin, is writin dis down four me, 'caws I'me too liddle to write yet.

I hab tride to bee a gud ADT pubbee dis year, but I'me onlee 7 months 'n it took a while to learn dat I shudent poop or pee in de housey. Butt I lerned, and hav onlee hadda fue aksidents scents den. I reely tride to bee gud, honest! 'N I diddent kno dat I wuzzent supposed 2 eet mi hooman mommee's glassez, 'n Ime tryin not too eet de hooman shoze 'n unnerwhear whut smellz sew gud. I hab stopped eetin de furni-tour in de den, kaws it made de hoomanz reel mad at me. So see, Ime lurnin to be a bedder boy 'n tryin too be reel gud like mi ADTdad.

ADTdaddy Merlin sez dat I kin askey you for stuffies, so hear goez: I wood like a buncha squeekee toyze dat I cud chu on, 'n some cheeze lik my hooman dad brings hoam from de stoar. 'N Iff it izzent too mutch trubble, if you kud bring a kar-kar for me and my ADTdaddy Merlin 'n ADTmoomy Sarah too ridey in, dat wood be super nise. 'N a BIG-BONE alla mie verry, verry own wood be hebben.

(Buy de weight, whut iz dis Chrismus thingey de hoomans are talkin' bout? Izzit like de Woofmas dat we Airedales sell-a-brate?)

Thankey you verree, verree mutsch
    Obidiah DooDah Dale

Dear S.C.,

Dis is Sarah. Of course I hav been verry beautiful all year -- not to menshun so cute dat it hurts -- and I deserve lots and logs of toys and prezents.

You don't have to bring anythin to stinkey ole Merlin - he got me preggynant and now we have Obi libbing with us as a result. (Not to menshun dat he has been verry, verry bad all year and has forced me to do all sortsa mean 'n terribul ... er, uh, rather harsh things to hymn as a result -- he really should be punished, you know. Anything what I did dat was badd is all Merlin's fault. Remember that.) Why should I get fewer presents just 'cause of dumm ole Merlin? So juss skip de lummox (Merlin) completely and bring me lots & lots of extra stuffies!

Dis year I would like four kows and four piggies all cutted up 'n reddy to put into de freeeeeezer, alongg wiff 6 duzzen chikkenz. 'N I want my wait in cheeze. 'n bring me all de chu toyz, balls, and frizbees dat you kin find, and sum blankets to lie on and play tug wiff, 'n a big-bedd like de hoomans hab. 'N I still want mie own televishun to watsch inny time I want. 'N I want you to stik Merlin inna kratey for eber. In sum udder kountry or mebbe onna nudder plannet 'n keep him dare. He wonte lissen to me 'n wonte dew whut eye telly him to dew ebber. So takey him a weigh 'n teech himma lessen. OK?

I alreddy faxed you mi other listey -- all 27 pagiz uv it, and alphabetized jess like you asked mee to -- 'n please donte forgetty inything onnit.

Oh yeah, Obi is be-ing OK, so hee kin stay I guess, but heez gettin too big for mee to beet up eazily so bring him sum stuff dat you don'te thinkey dat I want. That'll be OK wif me.

Oh yeah, don'te forgetty to leebe mee sum milk 'n kookies buy de chimbnee.

The ever lovely, adorable, beautitul, charming, gracious, wonderful, modest, 'n perfekt
(not to mention so cute dat it hurts),
    Sarah deLuvley