(OK, I give up - I'm going to enroll these two in a course for problem readers. Maybe that will help with their horrible spelling and grammer ...)

DeeErEE SanDy ClAwz,

It reeLy iZzent alla hOur faUlt dis tiMe, Sandy Claws. We gottEd a envy-loaP 'n Sum pappppur anNa pEnsiL 'n EbEn a StaMp 4 De LEdder, an dEn We WroAted it 2 U, puT UR AddRess onNit wiFFa StampEY 'n lEf it in De BiG MalE boCksez. 'n We DiDDent EbEn EET EM!

bUT toDaE de PoaStal SpEktoR bRingEd it BaCky ToDaEy bEkaWz hE Sed iTT nEEdID moAr StaMPiez. We HaDD allA de Gud wonZ on iT. De Won Wif De piKtShuR uv De aIRedale in De Reef, 'n De Red won WhuT sEd "AIREMALE" 'n EbErThinG, 'n EbEn a OlD GolD bonD StampEy. NEx YeEr WeaL Get DaD 2 Help Wif De stampies. Sew we GoTs 2 RiGhtey 2 U Agin on de EmAle BKaWz itS 2 lAte 2 SinD it de RegLar weiGh. SoRRee...

- Merlin 'n Sarah

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Sew Hear R HouR lEdderS

Dear Sandy Claws,

Dis iz Merlin again. I hoPe dat ur Foot iz all bedder now. When U wuz stEppin ober me 'n Sarah 2 get whUt we didDent eet ov de kookies, we diddent no it wuz u, 'n whIn u sorTa stepped on miE talE, i Jes ReAkted. BuT miE daD sed uR lawyuR scenT him a leddEr 'n e paDe de doKtuR bill, seW iff u R stIll Reedin dis, it mus be safe 2 giV u mie listy.

Dis year i Half beened a very gud ADT buoy, 'n I onLee wanTsa kUppel ov thingies. a Gud BIGBONE wooD be niSe 'n iDe likE anUdder GiGGly WiGGly baLL afTir de Ole won sorTa toAr uppy. 'n plEEze bRIngey Sarruh SumThin niSe, 2! 'CaWs shEE hadd gud PuBBies 'n sHE deSerVs a TreeT! iF U kaNT Get bOFFa us SumPin, plEEze jes BrinG huR simThin gud (shEE rEEly luVs FRizBeas!). 'n Iff u Kin Fine alla dem, plEEze takE suM TennIs ballZ 2 all 9 uV our baBBies.

YuR paL,
     Merlin daWunda Dale

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dEar SanDy ClaWs,

Dis iZ SaRah, uv KoarSe!

dIs yEEr EyE hav BEen exTra kute 'n Bee-you-tea-fool, An eyE ebEn had 9 puBBies. SeW eYe deSerVe sum GuD stUff foUr Alla Dat. LetZ sEa, wOn Gud TreeT four eaCh puBBee, 'n 2 foUr bEE-in sEw beeyouTeFool.. Dat MakEs TwElve (12) TrEatiEs 4 me. mIe Own KAR-KAR wOOd be niSe 4 won Ov em. HinT HinT. Eyve Gibben up on De solId steal KraTey 2 sTik MuRlin in, sEw jEs TaKE hIm oUT 'n Cut His B..., er, uh, haVe hIm mAde mOAr kO- oPerAtif doWn deRe iffEn u no WhuT i Mean (nuDge nuDge WinK wiNk).

'n u Kin BrinG me Alla hiZ sTuff, 2, kaWz hE don"t nEEd nuFFin dis Year. Oh Yeh, 'n eYe waNNa Kow all KuttEd up 2 eat, 2! Oh Yeh! GeTT riDda Dat fAt KloWn hOO kamE dOwn houR ChimNey 'n wOak mee Uppy whIn hE stEpped on MuRlin'z Tale. U Don'T nEEd iNNy hElpUrz liKe dat!

WaItin 4 mIe pRezEnts!
     Sarah de Luvley (n' kute, 2!)

(Luckily I have saved all of Sarah's earlier correspondence in an archive -- here is
what she had written to "Sandy Claws" starting a couple of months ago.
Well, at least she plans ahead...)

dEEre SanDy ClAwz,

eYe hAv bEEn a GuD ADT GRRRl allA de YEEr, 'n i Wud LIK Sum GuD ToyZe 4 KRishMush DiS YEar, plEEze.

Sarah de Luvley

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Dear Sarah,

Like hell. Now I'll tell one. Who ate 3 books, chewed up 2 NEW pairs of your mommy's house shoes, pooped on the living room rug, BARKED AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT, stole your dad's lunches TWICE, and refused to do a simple HEEL or DOWN STAY in her first obedience competition this year? Three guesses. You'll be lucky if you get some cheap flea powder.

Santa

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dear santa,

ok now ive had it. when you show up, i plan to bite your [CENSORED] off and eat them. then im taking out rudolph, dasher and dancer just to show you that im serious. look out, you fat clown -- youre about to find out what the jaws of death feel like. up close and personal.

sarah the avenger

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Dear Sarah,

I have forwarded your mail to my attorney and to the local authorities. If you contact me again, I shall be forced to take legal action. BTW, you're not getting any crap from me for Christmas

S.C.

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dear s.c.

thats it. now im really mad. youre history. too bad. tell mrs. claus and the elves to have a backup ready, because youre chimney days are over.

sarah the terminator

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(GAP OF ONE WEEK)

(Sarah's next letter in this series, apparently fretting about "Santa's health and well-being",
has been omitted for brevity -- please see below)

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My dearest Sarah,

My predecessor (S.C. I) left me a note informing me that I should consider you as a special case EVERY year. Oddly enough, the note seems to be written in his own blood on a large piece of his own skin ... but there are numerous smudges and many enormous tooth marks all over the notes, so it's a little hard to tell. It all seems a bit odd though, because the note was apparently written about 12 hours AFTER he suddenly "passed away" as a result of severe body trauma (and missing limbs).

Anyway, it is my understanding from his notes that you are to be given ANY- and EVERYTHING that you request without question. It would be a great help to me if you could alphabetize your list (the 18 pages were a little hard to catalog for my elves as their typing is a little slow) and get it to me at least 3 weeks before Christmas next year.

Despite my predecessor's dire warnings and strongest recommendations, I regret that it will not be possible to place Merlin in a solid steel crate with no doors or windows this year -- the acetylene cutting torch appears to have been damaged beyond repair, almost if my predecessor had been vainly attempting to use it as a defensive weapon against the (presumed) herd of polar bears who attacked him last week. But of course that would be rediculous -- however, his rifle was also broken in half, looking almost as if it had been *bitten* in two, and not evan an oversized polar bear has that kind of jaw strength. Probably this is just a coincidence.)

Thank you very much,
    Your devoted admirer and most obedient servant,
        Samuel R. Claus, Esq. (d.b.a. Santa II)

PS.

Weren't there 8 or 9 reindeer last year? I can only account for 6. The one with the red nose, Dasher and Dancer are missing, and the elves don't seem to be able to account for their disappearance (presumably on the same night as the "unfortunate accident" which befell my predecessor).

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DeAr SanDy ClAws,

eYe GOTTed Ur niSe noTey.

i think we understand each other perfectly.

pLEEzE donTe fUrGet 2 BrinG me Sum mIlK 'n kOOkiEz, 2!

LuV,

Sarah de Luvley

(For the first time ever, this year Sarah wrote a "thank-you" letter of sorts back to Santa a few weeks after Christmas)

dEar Sandy ClaWs,

Affer eye writEd u SuCh a nise leDder, hoWs kum MuRlin goT alla de Toyz, 'n EyE wAked up WiFF a StaInless Steal MuZZZle diS moUrNin?

De ever luVabuL, kUte, 'n Be-you-Tea-Fool,
    knoT 2 Menshun PoPulaRe
        Sarah de Luvley

(MemBer, u Wuz Posta bRinG ME allA de ToyzE 'n puT de Muzzel on MuRlin 'n Gib me de Kee. U Gotted it bAkWurds, U dooFus)

PS.

remember S.C. I? well think about it before next year. - s.d.l.