Dear Sandy Claws

(For some reason my letter to you came back marked "DELIVERY REFUSED: RETURN TO SENDER," so I am having to write you on my dad's computer again this year.)

Hi. This is Merlin, and before you tear up this letter, let me apologize for last year. I really didn't mean to scare you like that. But my mom and dad had left cookies and boiled custard out on the mantlepiece and I thought they were for me. So when I saw some stranger stealing them, I assumed that I ... well, you know what happened, and I'm sorry. Is your hand OK by now? My dad said that the cast should have been off months ago, but I wasn't sure. And I'm sorry about the other thing. I assumed your reindeer would stay up on the roof and not come down to eat some grass for a snack in the back yard. I really didn't mean to hurt the paw of that one with the big red nose... it was an accident, and I'm very sorry. If you have gotten this far and haven't torn up the letter, I guess I'm forgiven, so now I'll ask for some stuff.

I have been a very, very, very, extra good ADT a lot of the time this year and have already suffered a lot with Sarah here and all, so I hope that will get me some extra credit on your 'nice' list this year. Unlike Sarah, I haven't had a single accident in the house this year, and I haven't eaten anybody's glasses this time, either. I did accidentally eat one book that somebody named Sarah started to chew on and left in my crate -- what was I to do? I was trying to protect her and hide the evidence so that she wouldn't get in trouble. Again. But I got caught before I could finish it off (some books don't taste real good and it takes a long time to eat them), but it was a real cheap book and my mom and dad weren't mad. And I haven't even barked all the time like Sarah, so I haven't kept anybody awake all night with unnecessary woofing. I only barked when there was something bad in the yard, or on television, or at the door, or I needed to bark, or I felt like it. Unlike Sarah who *always* barks and is real mean. I'm the good one. I get presents. Do what you want to to her -- she deserves it. Bring her some c*t toys. Ha. That will teach her a lesson.

So for Christmas this year I would like a new rubber ball to replace the one that Sarah tore up. And if you can get me a new blanket to replace the one that Sarah tore up, I would like that, too. But most of all, I would like you to bring me a framed picture of the animal shelter to put in Sarah's crate so that I can threaten her with it when she gets real mean and attacks me while I am asleep, eating, going potty, and the like. If you can't do that (I know you aren't mean like Sarah), could you please let one of your reindeer (the one with the *big* antlers is Dasher, right?) just rough her up a little to make her easier to handle. This year I do NOT want any more doggy shampoo like last year, and I neither need nor want any collars or leashes. But a big, big bone with lots of meat left on it would be real nice, so if you can tuck one of those into your bag for me, I would like that. Thank you very much. Excuse me now, but I've got to go tell on Sarah. Again.

Your pal,
Merlin

Dear Sandy Claws (Or is it Sandy *Paws*? I'm confused),

Hello, sir. I am the one who was the little, bitty puppy in the crate in the living room last year when you came, and you brought me a really nice hedgeyhoggy that squeaks in case you don't remember me. I have been a very good girl this year. I did have a few accidents in the house, but I was a baby at the time and they weren't my fault -- I didn't know any better. I want to thank you for telling Merlin that he had to teach me not to poop or tinkle in the house and not to tear up mom and dad's furniture. I did accidentally chew up two pair of mommy's glasses, but I couldn't help it -- they smelled just like mommy, and they felt really good on my puppy teeth. I also accidentally hid a chicken carcas in my mommy's chair in the den, but I think it smelled great after that week away from the house (mommy didn't but she is a human and has a poor sense of smell, I think). I am also so very, very glad that I have the wonderful, perfect, wise, handsome, sweet and loving Merlin to take care of me all the time. He is great.

Sometimes when I was little, I would get a little carried away attacking him, and he would have to put my whole head in his mouth to get me to stop. It is also especially embarassing when I am attacking him today and he still does the same thing, or he rams me with his hard head and knocks me down or through a wall or something. Also it is a little frustrating that he does not take me seriously. After all, *I* know that I am the alpha, and he should get used to it.

So for Christmas this year, I would like you to give my collar, my leash, my radio-shock collar, my pinch collar, and my crate to some *bad* doggy somewhere. And then instead I would like you to give me all of Merlin's bones, toys, and blankets as well as his food dish, his water dish, and all of his food and doggie treats. While you are at it, bring me a muzzle in Merlin's size and WELD IT ON HIM so that when I attac... try to get him to modify his behavior, he will listen better. Please do this, or I will put a big, hurtey set of bites on all of your reindeer and then where will you be?

Think about it,

Your loving admirer,
Sarah the lovely.