This little note which I wrote to the Airedale list on new-year's eve 1999 was a direct result of what happened as a result of my posting of the canonical history of the Airedales.
Next time I think I may keep my big mou... er ... uh ... keyboard shut.
Subject: [ADTS] The Aftermath...
Last night I sent out a note just as a huge black-and-tan flying saucer was landing in my yard - I *think* it got out just before their paralysis ray fired into my house, and boy were the Airedaleans on the saucer ever PO'ed about that one.
I had to sit there, helpless in my chair, fingers only inches away from the keyboard while I heard them coming in... Strangely it was only we uprights who were unable to move, for Merlin and Sarah were moving around quite normally. First some scratching at the door - that got a WOOF out of Merlin and Sarah, but then there was a strange-tambered "AouuuuuuuuuuouuuuuuuuuuuuOuuuuuuuuuuuuOuuuuuuuuuFFFT" which sounded from outside, and suddenly Merlin and Sarah were doing the HAPPYWAGDANCE. Suddenly the doornob - long a mystery to most of our ADT pals - began to TURN. The door came slooooooooooooly open. There stood a group of aliens.
Let's see if I can describe them - covered in fur. Black fur on their backs, but tan fur on their heads, tummies, arms, legs, googly-bit-areas, hands, and footies. They stood up - clumsily I might add - on their two lower ... feet? No, paws sounds more correct. But they were wearing utility belts which contained strange devices... jerkey dispensers. check. cookie containers. check. zap-guns. check. pouches crammed full of bones, beefy-treats, old pieces of bacon, etc. check. universal translators. check. "Yep," I decided, these are indeed the Airedaleans come to take over the planet," just as I passed out.
When I awoke, I was sitting in my own living room, tied to some sort of table while the Airedaleans were wandering around, snuffling around in every corner, sniffing EVERYTHING. Then one of them, the largest of the Airedaleans, spoke to me - or was it telepathy? I really don't know which.
"Hi," he said. "We're from Airedalea, and we're here to protect you."
"Why," I asked.
"Not so loud, bozoid. We have very sensitive ears and we don't want them hurt."
"OK," I whispered, "is this better?"
"Yes"
"Why are you here to protect *us*."
"Becuse you guys make great pets when we take you back to Airedalea. Also your funny little-bitty noses and ears are quite amusing to us... And your hariless, tailless, little pink butts are so cute when you wag. But enough of that. We understand that there is a group of renegade, half-breed terrierists (probably a group with cross bred with the BorderColleans a long time ago) who are on the way to attack your planet, and we're here to stop them. Of course, we'll come back later to take over - after next Woofmas - but right now we need information. Where is this Cheyanne Mountain of yours?"
I answered that I could show it to them on the map, but tied up on the table like that, it would be a little difficult. Quickly they untied me, let me off the table, asked if I needed to go outside to go to the bathroom, and handed me a brand-new Rand McNalley road atlas. Quickly I showed them where Cheyanne Mountain was.
Then they asked, "Now where is Area 51?" and just as quickly, I showed them.
So on and on it went - they asked and I showed them the locations of Washington, DC, Chattanooga, TN, Disney World, Smoke Creek Desert, NV, Moscow, Chernobyl, Sydney (Austrailia), and the location of virutally everyone on the ADT holiday card list.
Finally, they had all of the information they needed and just as unceremoniously as they had arrived, they packed up EVERYTHING of interest to them (where *are* my jogging shoes now, I wonder) and packed off in their saucer. They told Merlin and Sarah to keep us all in the house until they destroyed the 18 giant spacecraft heading for their first strike in Nevada. "Don't worry," their leader said, "these half-breeds will turn tail and run like curs at the first sign of Airedalean defenses! We should get all of them before the night is out. Oh yes, by the way, I've put some forgetfulness drops in your drinking bowl over there in the corner, so you won't remember this tomorrow. Ha ha ha! Ha Haou hououou. HaAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUU!" And he left, deftly hopping up the gangway into his saucer.
As quickly as he left, the black-and-tan cars which had been circling my house all evening drove back into the street, put the newspapers, balls, sticks, and frizbees back where they had been, and left - with black plastic noses sticking out of every window crack on each car.
Well, they made one mistake... the drinking bowl they indicated was the one used by Merlin and Sarah (and I'm not checking out the toilets in case they meant those as well...), so M&S probably no longer remember what happened last night.
But I went out with my telescope and watched a great battle in space. 18 large black spacecraft against a single Airedalean black-and-tan saucer. When it fired the first HOWLGUN, 12 of the black ships fled, and five of the others were destroyed by the giant AIRESNAPPERS which came forth from the Ariedalean ship. A single spacecraft appereared to have gotten away and headed towards either Cheyanne Mountain or northern Nevada - I couldn't tell which. Maybe Chuck saw it... who knows. Did it come there, Chuck?
Anyway it appears that they are not coming back to take over the planet until *next* Woofmas (when *IS* that??????) so I guess we're all safe until then.
Happy saved new year, everybody,
Bill 'n Merlin (hUh wHat HePPind las Nite, daD... I Fur Getted...) 'n Sarah
(whUts goin oN hEar. IzziT sTeeL nU YeeRZ eVe? WhEn WIll De biGG shIp
lanD in HouR YardY? SomEThiNGs RonG wiF my MeMMerY ...)