FOREWORD

Hi there, fellow ADT's! This is Merlin daWundaADT Austin. Again. I have uzed mi dad's computer to rite down a few simple rools for ridin' in your hooman's kar. I got soooooo much help from other 'dales on the ADT list, that I thought I'd better send out the expanded version here for all of us ADT 'dales and Karl the Rottenweilerer.

INTRODUCTION

One day I noticed dat I don't have a kar, but both of my grown-up hoomans have one. Of course, my big hooman brudder Nicholas doesn't have a kar, either, so I don't feel tooooooo left out. I gotta admit that I do have a toy car, though — it crunches reeel good when I bite it after I chew on my other toys, but I don't think that's the same thing, 'cause you can't ride in it.

Anyway I really really really like to ride in my hoomans kar, and I found some neat things to do when I ride there. I think doing them gets me more kar rides, too, so I thought that maybe you other ADT 'dales could uze these to get more kar rides, too!!!

MERLIN'S ROOLS FOR RIDING IN YOUR HOOMAN'S KAR

1. If your hooman has a crate/cage/carrier for u to ride in, scream bloody murder when you see it heading for the kar. Howl if you gotta. This will let your hooman know that its a big boo-boo to put the ADT car-prizon in de kar at all. If your hooman insists on putting it in the kar, try as hard as you kan to avoid getting in it. You reeeeeeely want to sit in the seat that has that big steering circle thing in front of it. You can put paws on it and look out a whole lot better than just stiing in the kar. Also if your hooman's kar has a sunroof, u can use that steering circle thing as a ladder to get out easier when you get where u are going in the kar. If your hooman puts a 'dale seatbelt on you, you can always quietly chew through the part that ties you down, and your hooman won't know about it for the rest of the trip.

2. If you lose the battle and are stuck in a carrier cage, do not despair — there are still lotsa things you can do in the kar that are fun, but first we'll concentrate on some of the things you should do if you don't have a carrier or if you have gotten out of it (a desirable place to be, IMHDO). First and foremost, every 5 miles or 8 minutes — whichever comes first — you ABSOLUTELY MUST get reeeeel close to your hooman's ear and bark really loud in it. Then lie down on the seat and look frustrated. This will give your hoooman 2 benefits. First he can admire your lung power, and then second, he can try to figure out what you are doing. Hoomans apparently love to do both of these. Note that as a precursor to this activity, if you are still stuck in your carrier or harness, you can sing really loud and get almost the same effect. Somebody suggested that you ought to woof in your hooman's ear every 250 feet or 8 seconds, but this may be too much for some hoomans — at that rate they won't have time to appreciate your barking. Also, you may get hoarse after a few hours of this, and then you won't be able to woof like that on the way back. Use ur own judgement here — and remember to be creative.

3. About every 15 minutes, you should suddenly act really excited — as if somebody just outside the kar were giving away free hamburger patties and you wanted six. You really need to jump up and down — and if your hooman's kar is real big or is a van or an SUV or something, you might get to do a good-old butt-tuck-run at this point, too. Your hooman will probably say your name really loud at this point to let you know that he or she appreciates what you are doing. In the unlikely event that your hooman stops the kar at this point to let you show him/her what you are excited about, pretend that you don't have a clue what they're talking about and start licking him/her to distract him/her.

4. Bathroom. Most kars do not have a good place in 'em to pee or poop, so your hooman will probably try to convince you to do these before riding in the kar and possibly at brakes while riding in the kar on longer trips. It is a big mistake to cooperate wif your hooman on this point. YOU, not the hooman, should get to pick the locations where you want to go potty. Wait until you see a good place, then ram the window with your body trying to get out (WARNING: only do this if the window is klosed and the door is locked — otherwise do it to the front or back windshield). Your hooman will be a little slo at first, but he/she will eventually catch on. After all, YOU are the master: the hooman is merely your servant.

5. Toys in the kar. Be sure to bring a favorite ball or pull toy wif you in the kar. Try to get your hooman to play tug of war wif you with one of them. Also try to throw one of them up and catch it before it hits the floor. Lotsa fun there. If you miss, you can always bark at it a lot.

6. Water. Drink at least a gallon of water before each kar ride. Also if there are rest areas along the way, do the same there. Hoomans seem to think that we need extra water when we go on trips, so humor them. Also the extra water makes it easier to give good BEARDCRUDKISSES to all of your hoomans. Just remember item #4 above — don't go to pee when you are getting your water. Wait until you have been gone from the place where you drank for at least 5 minutes before announcing that you gotta go pee. It brightens your hooman's day to do it this way.

7. Car decorating. This is very important. Most hoomans have reeeely dull-looking kars, but with a little ingenuity u can fix that easily. Now after drinking your gallon of water, your noze and beard may be a little damp. Good for you! now u can put noze prints all over every square inch of glass in the kar. I always start with the windows in the back seet, but if you want to, you could start with the windshield. Along the way, you might also get to do the dashboard, and did you know that if you hit it rite, the rear-view mirror will come right off its bracket? But don't stop decorating de kar just yet. Don't forget to shred every piece of paper, cardboard, and/or wood in the kar. While kibble-size is a good size to shoot for in general, for some things, you can go a little bigger. But for things like laundry tickets, paper money, rare books, and the like, you gotta go for rice-sized pieces of paper. And the gluv compartment is a reeel good source of places to find stuff to decorate with as is the purse or briefcase of your hooman(s). But be careful — if you have a female hooman, she may have lippy stick in her purse, and that tastes soooooooo good that u may be tempted to eat it instead of decorating with it. This is a mistake. It makes pretty marks on things — and then you get to lick them off anyway. :-)

8. Sleeping in the kar. This is probably a good idea, but only if you can get in the front seet of the kar to put your hed in your hooman's lap while you do it. If you get there, then be sure to drool a lot and snore while you sleep. If your hooman wakes you up, be sure to sit up reeeel straight, stare off into empty space with a fixed gaze, and growl like you were trying to scare off a bear or some other big critter. Be really fierce. Then lie back down and go back to sleep.

9. In the kar without a hooman. Congratulations! You have won! It is now **YOUR** kar. So you can do whatever you want to. First, grab that steering circle thingey and bite reeeeel hard on that button with the little symbol of a bugle on it (NOTE: it may have some writing on it that says >HORN< or some such. You can safely ignor this writing.). Hold that button down until a hooman comes to praise you for figuring out how to do the horn thingey. Next there is something called and Aire Baggey. They can be fun, but you gotta be careful getting them out to play with. The easiest way is to go under the dashboard (you did chew off the lower cover by now, didn't you?) and bite the yellow-and-blue striped wire off. Touch the end of that wire to the steering column, and the Aire Baggey will go KABOOM real loud. Then you have a big balloon to play with. Just be kareful to be on the floor when it goes kaboom — you can get hurt if it hits you (WARNING: this one is for more experienced ADT's who have already passed their WOOFING Competency tests — you pups gotta wait). Also you can pull on ALL of the knobs that stick out of the hooman's dashboard. One of them turns on the lights. Don't bite that sigareet lighter, though — it gets reeeeel hot an can burn your tongue. Sell phones are fun too. Remember to stomp on them a lot. If you are lucky you can call a friend to talk to. If you are lucky, the friend's ADT with be in the friends kar, an u 2 can compare notes on what to do next — sorta like a phone pack! Anyway if you hold down 9 on mi momz kar sell phone, you get to woof at the nice 911 operator lady. She is reeeely funny to talk wif.

   Last but not least, you gotta keep decorating de kar. Some hoomans have leather kar seets. This is not nice. Some poor cow what you could have woofed at has been murdered to make these. So you have good teeth — remove those leather seet covers. Underneath there's a lot of foam stuff what's reeeeel fun to chew up. Also that head-liner could use a few bites (hoomans do NOT like a car with a head-liner that doesn't have beard crud and a few bite marks on it). If you do a reeeeeel good job, your hooman may faint in appreciation and then you get to spend a lot more time in the kar.

   Warning. It is your kar. If it is summer, it is OK to do big NOSEPOKES and break out a window or two to get extra ventillashun. Also in the winter, fall, and spring. Sun roofs can be pushed out, too. And convertable tops are reeeel tasty...

10. Arrival at destination. Here it is reeeeeely *tricky*!!!! If you get where your hooman wanted to go and they offer to let you get out of the kar, you have 2 choices. Either you can act like you never want to get out of the kar for the rest of your life, *OR* you kan pretend that you reeeely hate the kar and you can get out and run run run away from it reeel fast. I personally find that a run of about 20 feet is sufficient, and after that I usually sing to the kar, using one of my best "Aououououo-oooo" songs. You need to be reeeeel creative here — hoomans want to remember this trip as a lot of fun, and what they will remember the most is how it ended, not how it started.

11. Now for you poor 'dales what couldn't get outta your carriers or seet belts.

    Several of the above are unchanged. And #2 was already discussed above. But onn number 5 you have a problem. Your best bet is to shove the toy/ball/etc. out of your carrier cage (you did make them get you one with big, open mesh sides, didn't you?) and then WOOF at it really loudly. When they give it back (and they will) repeat forever.

    Number 8 is trickier. Maybe you can improvise: pretend to sleep, then start jumping up and down in your cage while crying, as if you were dreaming that you were being chased by, say, some big, scarey monster. Then lie back down and pretend to snore. You should repeat this in, say, 5 minutes down/1 minute jump cycles for most of your trip. Also if you can play ventriloquist and make it sound like someone ELSE in the kar is the one doing it, you kan bark to your heart's content while in the cage.

    Some of the best thingies to do inside a crate-prizon were suggested to me bi some of the ADT list 'dales. First you can go Acccccchk Accccccck a few times and then take a big gulp of aire like you're gonna barf. This will get you out of the prizon and on a leash every time — outside the kar, even. You don't even ever have to throw up! Unless you want to. Sometimes though, if you barf in your kar (or carrier prizon) you will get left at home next time, so be careful.

    Another thing to do while inkarcerated in the crate-prizon is to stand up as tall as you kan with your hands at the top of the krate. Then throw all of your weight agains the side of the holding cell. It will turn over, and you will be let out for a while. Then you are free to do whatever you want just like a regular ADT. (Chip the puppy suggested this one — thanks, Chip)

    One thing that may help is to be reeeeeeeel cute — use ur hand to paw at the door to the crate-prizon BEFORE they put you in it. Then they may think twice (see section "DO HOOMANS REAEEELLY THINK") about putting you in it at all.

12. Fresh Aire in the kar. Do not forget to put your head out the window and enjoy the fresh air. (If the window is not open, put your paw on the little window button thingey and it should go down all by itself. If that doesn't work, then woof at the window until the hooman opens it for you.) This is particularly effektive if it is reeeeeel kold outside or if it is raining reeeeeel hard or mebbe snowing. Then you need 2 windows so dat you kan run between dem and get reeeel excited. Give everybody big cold, wet kisses, too!!!

13. Whenever you can, u should sneak out and climb up on the kar and go to sleep if possible — hoomans think this is reeeeel cute an will often let you get in to sniff around (heh heh heh). If you get up on the kar an u don't want to sleep, you can wait till somebody notises u and then BARKBARKBARK at them reeel hard. They will laugh at u too, but you will get more rides this way.

14. This one is sometimes eazier for us boy dogs — u gotta remember to go pee on everybody ELSE's kar on the tire things. Only pee on your own hoomans' kar's tires if you aren't at home — say at the vet for instance, or at hoomility school. This will help beautify those tires and the kar will smell better, too!

15. If u can get loose in ur hooman's kar while they are driving it, and if they have bucket seat places to sit, you kan come up behind the one who is driving and sick your head under his/her right arm (left in Englandy) and bite the steering circle thing. Hoomans really appreciate that one — they cheer your name reeeeeel loud, and once mi dad even petted me (a little too hard but he was reel excited) on de nose until I let the steering circle go. That way, they know that u want to drive the kar too, and maybe someday they will let u.

16. Bark at other kars. While this may be covered by #2 above (bark in your hooman's ear...), a variation was suggested which might be a fun diversion sometime. After all, the ADT-hooman relationship is one of constant variety, so these are fun, too!

    On some trips. BARKBARKBARK at oncoming traffic—until you get yelled at, and then sorta strain in the direction of oncoming kars and moan piteously so that your hoomanmom" knows how much you reeeeeeeeeely want to bark, and he or she will tell you what a good dog you are for restraining yourself. While this praise is not nearly as satisfying as a good BARKBARK, it will give the hooman something to do to fend off boredom and to learn more of your infinite variety. And anyway, you still gotta' bark in your hooman's ear regularly.

17. At odd intervals, act really fussy and you will get to stop and parade around on your leash for a little while. Sniff convincingly at assorted clumps of vegetation and you can extend your time "out of the box". But rememeber that the object here is to get MORE ride time in the kar with your hooman — so don't overdo this one. If you do, the hooman will eventually cut down on your kar trips.

    Be really, really CUTE when your hooman returns to the car....Paw at the gate of your crate....incite pity. This may even keep you out of the dreaded crate-prizon.

18. At home, get REALLY excited whenever anyone says the words "go", "kar" (in the deep south, you kan substitute the words "truk" or "pickup" here), "ride", "trip", "travel", or "drive", matter what the context. When your hooman realizes how much you really 'get into' GOing you may just get to go more often!

19. If the above ideas do not work exactly as planned for you, do not hesitate to improvise. A bored hooman is a very sad hooman. After all some hoomans can be very creative and may even be capable of independent logical thought. So if your hooman gets tired of one activity — this will usually be evidenced by a harsh tone of voice, a quick snap on your collar or some such — try something else. Make up your own tricks if you need to. Eating your hooman's picnic lunch is always appreciated, for instance. Just make sure that each ride in the kar wif your hooman is an experience for him/her to remember for a lifetime.

    Here are some random gems of wisdom gleaned from reading over mi hooman's shoulder while he wuz reading the ADT list...

    A wet nose on back of your hooman's neck while he or she is driving is a great way to bond emotionally with your hooman while keeping him or her awake at the same time.

    If your hooman has the radio playing, you can sing along with it. This is especially fun during weather or traffic reports, and during emergency messages.

    If you are still reeeel little, the kar is a good place to find things for teething — use your imagination or ask an older ADT for suggestions.

    AIRESNAPS in the kar. Don't overdo this one, but about once per trip, you can pretend to watch a flying bug in the kar, and then you do a big AIRESNAP near hooman's head, genitals, face, or hands.

    Poop eating — bring sum with you to enjoy on the the ride. (Note: Poop is also good to decorate with.

    Bring mud/iceballs/dead things/garbage into the kar — your hooman needs to remember that you have to have fun, too, even though you are primarily concerned with keeping your hooman from becoming bored.

    Eating hooman stuff in the kar — picnic lunches or lunches taken for work are always yummy. Just remember rule # 1: food in the car belongs automatically and irrevocably to the ADT in loco. This is especially good with things like chocolate with foil wrappers example where you can enjoy eating it, and then decorate places with colorful pooops later.

20. Finally, we had some feedback from lotsa ADT's on the list, and some of them need to be quoted here. But before that, I will recount what one of my former friends and teachers, Fredd da Wunda Kitty what died when I wus just 7 months old, taught me when I was reel little. Hide under the kar seet. If you are too big, you can still get your head stuck there. Then howl. Your hooman will get to play the fun game of trying to get you free. Then 10 minutes later, do it all over again. Thanks, Fredd — it works for me, even though I don't have those reeeel keen finger nailies like you did to help the hoomans get you loose.

    HINT FROM BONNIE:
    Make sure you pull a nuttie when an otha dog is outside ov car. Bark REEL loud and spit all over seats. Be sure ta continu dis until dog is long gone.

    HINT FROM KARL:
    (Karl is da Rottenweiler — I know he's not even in the terrier group, but he tries reeeeel hard and does good NOSEPOKES, I hear): If yor hooman haz a minee van that has radeeo controls in back be sure to change stations and voluum at will.

    HINT FROM CAMERON:
    And when you REELY want to show your luvf for your hooman be sure to fart reel loud and vomit on seet and floor. It does it every time...

    HINT FROM DOOGIE:
    Verwee important - one must hve a well decurated kar! Us Crazy 8's call it "NOSE ART" — ALSO — I also fund chewng on da tire jack removes tartaar!!

    HINT FROM DROP-DEAD-GORGEOUS RITA THE LOVELY:
    If the crate is in the car, that means I get to go EVERY TIME her hooman (Gena) gets in the car. Run to the kar and wait at the tailgate if your crate-prison is in the kar, and WAIT PATIENTLY. When her hooman gets in and shuts the door, I CURSE her hooman loudly until she (her hooman) has gone on up the road and the garage door has closed.

    HINT FROM MR. WOOFER:
    Steal the keys and go on a cross-country jaunt without the hooman at all. Be sure to be seen in lots of states and do lots of illegal stuff. This will make your hooman realize how lucky he/she is to have such a smart ADT around.

    HINT FROM MATTIE:
    Read the email before your hooman deletes it next time — then you can send in your favorite car hint.

    HINTS FROM TRUDY:
    Remeber the cell-phone stuff and the gluv compartment stuff up above? Well she suggested it — thanks Trudy.

    HINT FROM CHIP THE ADT PUP:
    Chip was already thanked above for his turn-over-the-crate trick, but I suspect that his grandma-ADT helped him rite the note...

    HINT FROM RHETT:
    Throw up on the back of your hooman's neck while in traffic. But remember what happens if you throw up on your hooman's neck — no more kar rides for a looooooooooooong time after that. Use this one at your own risk, fellow ADT's.

    HINTS FROM McGWIN:
    Put lotsa mud in the kar, especially if the mud is from your hooman's washing of the kar. Also McGwin suggested the pretend barf in the back seat trick and the horn honking. BUT...

    SPECIAL NOTE TO McGWIN:
    U said:

    > I am getting a van in the spring. I am looking forward to more
    > room. I am worried about my human Mom who can not spell car, she
    > keeps talking about my riding in a CRAte. Letters in the wrong
    > order and two extra ones. No wonder they are so-o-o easy to
    > teach.

    I have looked into this one with a dicksunerry. I think the CRAte you mention is the same as a crate-prizon. Every time your hooman mentions this C-thing, you must go take a whiz on her foot and then growl menacingly. Then whimper a little and come over and try to lick her while wagging as hard as you can (if you accidentally get some pee while licking, that's ok — its not as tasty as poop, but it isn't bad. This procedure will get her to change her mind altogether — after all, you are just changing her conditioning so that the very thought of the C-word, she will will suddenly change the subject and forget it. This is called hooman psychology.

    HINT FROM OTIS 'N MILO:
    (Dis one is inferred from what they rote me earlier). If you don't get to ride in your hooman's kar as often as you want, steal the computer and rite to other ADT's for suggestions that might help you fix the problem.

POSTSCRIPT: DO HOOMANS REEEELLY THINK AT ALL

This is quite a controversy. Some ADT's swear that their hoomans can and do think and that they are able to solve elaborate puzzles. Many who wouldn't go this far think that their hooman has emotions. Do not be fooled. Some hooman behavior may be pure instinct. And the jury is still out on the whole question.

Even if they don't think, it is a good idea to treat your hooman as if it were a sentient being anyway — after all, if they ever take over, they may be more kindly disposed toward us in that case. Always remember: a bored hooman is a sad hooman. So keep them amused in the kar and they will take you more places, because hoomans hate to be bored.

Many hoomans seem to have emotions though — note that for exceptional behavior on your part, the hooman may try to interact with you. But you gotta be reeeel careful though, because hoomans are sometimes a lot stronger than they look — sometimes in their exuberance over something you have just shredded/torn up/ruined/peed on/beard-slimed/eaten the hooman may pet you reeel hard on the bottom and it may sting a little. This is probably instinctive and the hooman may not be displaying any emotion or thought here at all.

One point which makes it hard to tell if hoomans reeely think at all is that — unlike us ADT's — hoomans have a limited sense of smell. Every wonder why they never sniff your butt? They can't tell anything that way because their noses just aren't any good. So you gotta pass gas a lot in the kar — the kar is a reeeeel good place to do this, especially if the windows are shut tight, say for instance in a raging blizzard. Then they have a chance to start using their noses and maybe — with a lot of patience on your part, of course — it may be possible to get them started sniffing. If the hooman develops more use of the nose, then there's hope to find out if they can think, althought it may take a while to be sure.

CONCLUSION

The above rools are pretty complete and should cover just about all the regular situashuns when riding in the kar with your hooman. If you think up enny others, forget 'em — these rools are canonical, and I don't like numbers bigger than 20, anyway. But if your nu rool is reeeeel good, we can combine some of these to free up a coupla extra numbers, he he he.

Let me know how it goze, fellow ADT 'dales (and Karl), and if I get enuf answers, I'll send out my instructions on how to get your own king-sized bed in your hooman's bedrume.