Of late it has become somewhat fashionable not to believe in the existence of Santa Claus (a.k.a. Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Jolly old Elf, Sandy Claws, Sandy Paws, etc.).

Various arguments have been promulgated in convoluted — albeit altogether vain — attempts to prove the non-existence of such an entity. From the standpoint of the logician however, it must be pointed out that the proof of the NON-existence of anything/anyone is far, far more difficult than the proof of its/his/her existence as a single counter-example renders such a proof (however “rigorous” it may falsely appear to be) obsolete.

Probably the most well-thought-out argument is based on the fact that Santa (a.k.a, Vater Woofmas, Der Kringle, de fat guy in de red suit, etc.) must deliver presents over the course of 24 clock hours in 24 (OK, 24+) time zones. Wild calculations are them made with respect to the number of chimneys which must be descended, the number of packages which must be removed from the bag and placed under the (supposed) trees, the number of stockings hung by the chimney with care which must be filled, and the like, and some go so far as to calculate the amount of food consumed by the reindeer (and even the amount of reindeer-poop deposited by them). Often further details on the aerodynamics of the various flying reindeer and the sled are taken into account in an altogether ludicrous attempt to DIS-prove the existence of Santa.

To settle this discussion once and for all, let us simply apply the principle of the razor of Sir William of Occam, with the help of the latest developments from quantum physics.

Clearly from the arguments already discussed above, Santa does not obey the laws of Newtonian mechanics. Point granted. However, from those selfsame arguments, it is also obvious that Santa is clearly a waveform propagating at a speed of at least that of light.

Why "at least" some of you may well ask. The reason is fairly simple: mass, inertia, and gravity. From the logical viewpoint, having realized that Santa is actually the propagating wavefront of a heretofore unsuspected waveform, one which is probably not of the E-M spectrum at all — for now we will call it the "Santa-wave" — then clearly it transfers enormous masses of toys and gifts to real, physical homes on the evening of the 24th of December (OK, the 6th of January in some places, but we can consider that something of an echo-like aftereffect for now and discuss it below). If these toys and presents actually possessed real rest mass while they were moving, as they approach the speed of light, they would become a tad difficult to move. However, if they actually have an _imaginary_ rest mass while they are being propagated to their new location, then they can move far faster and are no long limited by the paltry speed of light, C.

Without going into pages and pages of equations which neither this author nor his intended audience ever wishes to see (while sober, anyway), it will not be possible to include in this brief tome the actual mechanism by which the physical toys and presents — manufactured by elves at the North Pole, of course — are translated from normal matter to i-matter with imaginary rest-mass. (Take that, professor Steinkopf!) Similarly it will be left as an casual exercise for the reader to determine the mechanism by which the i-matter presents and toys are translated back to "normal" matter (a misnomer if there ever were one, but let that pass as this is written in English which is not an ideal language for describing things which happen outside of “normal” space-time).

[Note: Prizes will be awarded, however, for the most complete and accurate solutions submitted to this author before next Saint Swithon's day. But I digress.]

Getting back to our subject, the only failure of completeness of the above explanation of the Santa-wave is the omission (up to this point, at any rate) of the mechanism by which the various amounts of milk, cookies, pizza, etc., are "consumed" or at least caused to "disappear" from their former surroundings as the Santa-wave propagates through their location. Therefore let us consider this simple "sticking point" in some detail.

The Santa-wave propagates through a location at a speed of at least C. As it passes, it translates i-matter (theoretical?) toys and presents into "normal" (i.e., "normal" matter) physical presents with "real" masses. Clearly the simplest solution (Willy, get that razor out again...) is that the milk and cookies (and carrots for the reindeer, and the like...) are simply translated into imaginary-massed i-matter and carried along with the Santa-wave until it returns to its point of origin. (Note: obviously since the Santa-wave is a periodic wave phenomenon, it must return to its point of origin before repeating next year. For those readers who may take exception to this simple deduction, let me counter your objections with a simple, logical rebuttal: "Ha!")

So now we have a brief description of how the Santa-wave propagates, covering the entire planet in a rather generous time of 24 hours.

In actuality it is a trifle more complex than the above description allows (English again. Sorry — higher math would be a much better choice, sigh). From available reports, evidence, and time-honored hearsay, virtually all of the locations at which the toys/presents are left are visited simultaneously. This simultaneity is no problem for a propagating Santa-wave (Which gate did that photon go through, Mr. Heisenberg? And how is your cat, Mr. Schrödinger?): it visits all of them simultaneously. The really trick is how the wave manages to do this 24 (or more) times in one evening. While the mathematics are not fully determinant here (and are left as an exercise for the reader, of course), it is fairly certain that the wave form fluctuates in its intensity during its propagation, so what we are most likely to be dealing with here is a Santa-wave which (apparently) originates, intensifies in amplitude as it passes through one time zone, then diminishes to 0 before it can propagate to the next time zone (probably as the result of assimilation all of the milk/cookies/pizza/etc.), and then re-intensifies in intensity just in time to enter the next time-zone one hour later. Quite possibly some saturation effect takes place after 24 or so time zones, and the Santa-wave requires a considerable duration to be purged of the contaminating milk/cookies/etc. Clearly after a "dead time" of roughly 12 days it re-occurs with diminished intensity on the 6th of January. From observed phenomena it appears to require a "resting period" of roughly 365 or 366 days to recover before it can re-propagate from its origin at the North Pole.

While the above discussion cannot and does not try to answer other age-old questions (such as "what happens to all of those letters sent to Santa every year?" and "why did I get a brown sweater last year when what I asked for was a new CD-player"), it is clear that we have now established the true wave-form nature of Santa Claus, and we can move on to more weighty matters, should any be discovered.

This paper was originally published in 1998 by Professor Merlin daWunda Dale and is part of a series of explanatory papers for the general public including explanations of various complex subjects including (among other topics) the U.S. federal budget, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, why it is necessary to bark at garbage men, why your Airedale must have his own television set, and why your Airedale should have his own plate — and be allowed to eat — at your dinner table.