Part I ­ Earliest history of the Airedaleans

Approximately 65 million years ago, a large flying saucer was passing in the vicinity of a small G2 star when its hyper-drive underwent core melt-down. Unfortunately its interstellar communication system was also destroyed, and the Airedaleans on board were unable to send out a distress call. However, their low-speed drive was unaffected and they were eventually able to reach a small, oxygen-nitrogen atmosphered planet, the third circling that star.

To make matters worse, there was a malfunction in the landing gear of the saucer, and when it landed it was damaged so badly that a further take-off was impossible. So stranded on this small, primitive planet the Airedaleans were unable either to escape or to send out a distress call.

After serious discussions, much howling and GROWFING, and not a few TUCKBUTTRUNS they decided to stay and party on this planet (which they later decided to name Terriera after the ancient religious order of the Airedaleans, the "Airedalean Dedicated Terrierist" faith). They started a new calendar based on the anniversary of their landing, which was coincidentally near the planet's mid-winter solstice, and they celebrated 20 days of a festival called Woofmas. This festival is still celebrated today, but it has been split by the "Hoomans" into two distinct, competing festivals, 8 days being called "Hanukkah" and 12 days being referred to as "Christmas" (see note 19,426 later in this document).

This was a truly primitive planet where the Airedaleans had landed ­ there were no pizza places, no shopping centers, no fire hydrants, and no Chinese take-out ­ and it was populated at the time by huge lizard-like critters who were so stupid that they didn't actually call themselves anything yet, but which nevertheless proved to be rather tasty to the Airedaleans. At first the Airedaleans hunted with their usual weapons, such as the HOWLGUN and the AIRESNAPPER, but over the years as the power-packs for these weapons wore out and were unrechargeable, the Airedaleans had to resort to more primitive hunting methods, primarily the HARDHEADBUTT, the concussive NOSEPOKE and the JAWSOFDEATHCHOMP. In particular the HARDHEADBUTT is believed to have exterminated no fewer than 4,000 species of these lizard-like critters as well as species of early mammals far too numerous to enumerate.

In truth, a few of these larger critters were a little difficult to kill in the usual, one-on-one hunts, and packs of up to four Airedaleans had to attack these larger monstrosities in order to subdue, kill, and eat them, as these enormous lizard-wannabes (which tasted a lot like chicken, incidentally) objected to the whole process. Thus, those extinct behemoths now known as the Tyrannosaurus Rex and the Apatosaurus came to be exterminated in short order by the Airedaleans. (Please ignore the "modern," phony, self-styled "paleontologists" who try to state that the T-rex and the apatosaurus were separated by zillions of years ­ the Airedalean records are quite clear on this point and unlike the "paleontologists," the Airedaleans aren't trying to make a quick buck on *their* so-called "research." Well, not yet anyway...)

Somewhere along about this time, the still-active power core on the Airedalean saucer ­ which the Airedaleans had neglected to shut down because they enjoyed watching its blinking lights ­ developed a leak in its cooling system. It exploded somewhere around what is just off the modern-day Yucatan peninsula in the Gulf of Mexico, creating a humongous crater and depositing a layer of iridium dust all over the planet. This core had been made with a thick iridium cover, that being the material most highly prized, or "Worth its weight in SNOOL", by the Airedaleans for religious reasons. (Please see note 97,321 later in this document.) The result of that explosion was devastating to the planet: many of the remaining lizard-like critters perished in the explosion and most of those surviving died in the aftermath when all of the remaining fast-food joints went out of business or moved to out-of-town locations.

What were the Airedaleans then to do? Their favorite source of food, the T-rex pizza, was now unavailable, and despite their best efforts at farm-raising large aquatic critters ­ commonly know to the Airedaleans as "Latch Nis Manstors" [note the similarity of the name to that of the well-known creature in the legends in Scotland today] ­ their food supply was dwindling. So one day one of the chief Airedaleans (named either "Pho-Toon" or "Duf-Fee" in various surviving Airedalean songs) came up with the idea of moving underground and building huge caverns in which to play, raise gerbils (a portable, convenient, snack-sized food source), and in general to keep fur, beards, teeth, and toenails in good condition.

Interestingly enough, while they were living underground on this planet, a strange transformation occurred among the Airedaleans. The original caves had such low ceilings that most Airedaleans ceased walking upright and started walking on all fours. In order to find each other in the dark, their sense of smell improved drastically, and their noses enlarged concomitantly to the large, black plastic variety with which we are familiar today. Their hands, previously so dextrous (or sinister depending on the "handedness" of the individual Airedalean), began to resemble animal paws. While this last transformation greatly improved their overall digging skills, it did nothing for their ability to play Monopoly or type, and many of the Airedaleans became rather depressed. Millions ceased to do the HAPPYWAGDANCE, and for nearly a millennium there were no TUCKBUTTRUNS. In fact they all became so depressed that most of them decided to hibernate in their caves, and as far as the critters on the surface of the planet were concerned, they ceased to exist for the next 62.8 million years.

Fortunately or otherwise, a small number of them decided not to hibernate at all and instead continued digging, building many large cave systems all over the planet. Some smaller groups of these still-awake Airedaleans tunneled so far into the crust of the planet that they caused the large tectonic plates to become unattached from each other, and continental drift set in big time. The entire continent containing the former Airedalean playground which had been near the equator and was the home of the famous "Woofey World" amusement park slid all the way down to become the what is now know as Antarctica. Additionally, the modern-day Himalaya chain of Asia, the Alps in Europe, and the Rocky Mountain chain of North America all exist as a direct result of their continued digging and the resultant continental upheaval. While few records of the exploits of this group of Airedaleans have survived the geological upheavals, the last of their works is believed to have been completed approximately five million years prior to our current day and was not subterranean, but rather consisted of excavations in what is now northern Arizona. Instead of the usual caverns, these diggings created a series of canyons near the current Colorado river by the last group of twelve (or so) non-hibernating Airedaleans over a period of roughly 3 weeks. (Note: after this excavation, they seem to have released their pet Snooks ­ a hairless ape able to use primitive tools, to do some limited vocalization, and to play a pretty poor game of three-deck canasta ­ and disappeared from all historical records.) (Please see note 7³/₈ later in this document.)

Meanwhile as most Airedaleans were hibernating in their subterranean domain, many changes occurred up on the surface of the planet. Great empires rose and fell; KMart rose, declined, and was replaced by WalMart; mini-malls sprang up; strange new religions rose and fell, such as the Druids, Pantheists, Dentists, and the Cartoonists; and odd new creatures developed, such as politicians and television evangelists (Please see note 37,254 later in this document). But most important of all, a new dominant (?) species appeared.

OK, let's get this over once and for all. This new species resulted NEITHER from evolution NOR creationism ­ they were originally developed as living prizes to be placed in giant boxes of Wooferjacks and had been intended to replace the despised, lower serving class of c*ts from their original flying saucer; however, they somehow escaped and ­ although they were not quite as intelligent, strong, fast, brave, tenacious or handsome as the Airedaleans ­ they sorta' took over everything. For the sake of argument, these new critters, resembling hairless monkeys and possibly related to the pet Snooks released by the previously-mentioned, final surface-dwelling Airedaleans, started to call themselves "Hoomans" and decided to develop a "religions" from which the "mythical" Airedaleans of pre-history were totally and unfairly excluded. But that's another story. (Please see note 4,251 later in this document.)

Eventually time passed as it usually does, and these new critters, the "Hoomans" ­ as they now styled themselves ­ developed civilization to the point that they had running water, indoor plumbing, end-tables, good feeding stands, and many of the other accoutrements of the earlier Airedalean civilization. While they had as yet no good video games, no smell-o-vision, and no Woofmas cards, their limited accomplishments may be viewed as a form of technological progress, and the automatic alarms ­ set to detect the rise of any technologically-advanced civilization 62.8 million years ago by the last Airedaleans before beginning their long nippy-naps ­ awoke the sleeping Airedaleans to a changed world.

Gone were the enormous parks and play-areas formerly much beloved by the Airedaleans ­ for instance, the fabled Di Znee-Whirl had been replaced by nothing more than some swamp land in what was now "Florida"; the famous giant reclining Airedalean statue of Airedaleor Ra-AouAouAouuou IV built in what is now called "Egypt" had been repeatedly re-sculpted by the Hoomans and was now surrounded by some run-down pyramids; and almost all of their aquatic food beasts, the "Latch Nis Manstors" were virtually extinct. True, their favorite pets, now variously called "Lemmings," "Limmings," "Lemons" [seldom used] (Please see note 1,723,184.5 later in this document), and "car-hops" were still trying to reach their annual migration point to meet the Airedaleans. But unfortunately, this huge park area was now underwater, a situation leading to the deaths of zillions of these lemmings every year in their migration into the sea. But overall the once-glorious Airedalean civilization had vanished, leaving only seldom-translatable images of NOSEART inscribed on the ancient stone edifices left by that earlier, grander civilization.

Part II ­ medieval and pre-modern history of the Airedaleans

At this point, we are almost up to the present day. Well, OK ­ not quite yet, but we're getting there. Most Airedaleans spent the majority of their time down in the caverns, sleeping on their backs with all four footies up in the air and snoring like buzz-saws. Occasionally one would rouse long enough to get a drink, change the night-light bulb, or bark in some else's ear for no reason, however, in the main they all remained uncharacteristically quiet. Nevertheless, there were a few true early risers who rose and climbed to our surface world leaving the rest of the Airedaleans hibernating in their subterranean caverns. A few of them are listed below:

Dalemurabbi ­ Famous Airedalean who settled in Babylon, eventually becoming its absolute ruler and setting up the famous "code of Dalemurabbi," the oldest recorded set of written laws.

Socrates Airedoeales ­ Airedalean who lived in ancient Greece and tried to explain the ancient Airedalean principals of logic, truth, and NOSEPOKES to the late bronze-age Hoomans.

Hannibal Airedaleus ­ Airedalean who successfully masqueraded as a famous general and led a group of more than 40 elephants across the Alps in search of high quality chew toys. Along the way he incidentally piled up a few military conquests which some Hoomans consider significant.

Leonardo da Vinciaouaouaou ­ Famous sculptor, painter, artist and author of several hundred recently-rediscovered Woofmas carols. Until the restoration of the ceiling of the Sistine chapel in Rome, few Hoomans realized the large numbers of bones, nyla-tugs and chew-toys depicted in that famous work of art.

Genghis Dale ­ Ancient Asian Airedalean who became so proficient at horseback riding that he decided to form a riding, hunting, pillaging, burning, raping and looting club which sorta' got out of hand. He left after becoming pretty much fed up with the whole thing ­ and departing for doG knows where ­ and some other joker named something-or-other Kahn came in, took over, and claimed all of the credit, and the loot as well.

Pope Airedalius IV ­ last of the Airedaleans to hold a prominent position of leadership in Hooman political or religious affairs. He is best known for barking out his orders to subordinates, and history has forgotten the number of public parks and walkways he had lined with rawhide thongs placed there for the use of wayfarers who might need to stop and chew something during their travels.

Rasputindale ­ History has otherwise failed to record that this so-called "mad monk" was actually a somewhat deranged Airedalean. The less said about him the better. It is *NOT* true that he frequently delighted onlookers by biting the heads off live cats. Squirrels, yeah. Cats, no.

Benjamin Franklindale ­ This great Airedalean logician, philosopher, and statesman successfully hid among the Hoomans for more than 50 years after he was first observed SMARMEHIGHSTEPPING into Philadelphia with a kong under one arm and a stack of chew strips stuck in his pockets. His many exploits include the authorship of "Poore Richard's Almanacke of Airedalean Wisdoms and Delightes" and the original "Bille of Airedalean Rights," which Thomas Jefferson stole and plagiarized into the Bill of Rights of the American constitution. It is *NOT* true that he was initially elected as the first president of the recently-independent United States of America (declining the office), although the stories of his excesses with the "Ladies" of the Philadelphia and New York are probably less exaggerated than is commonly touted.

While there were many other known early risers among the hibernating Airedaleans, these are the only ones whose full stories are well-documented and thus whose legends are not to be considered at least partially apocryphal. In particular the stories of both Mahatma Ghandale and Dale Evans are believed to be purely concidental and it is now believed that neither was an Airedalean at all, although conclusive evidence does not really exist since they are no longer around to sniff.

However ­ and the above-mentioned Benjamin Franlindale notwithstanding (it is now commonly believed that he was a rebel against Airedalean governing authority) ­ the incidence of public Airedaleans after late medieval or early renaissance times are relatively rare in western civilization, anyway. Early on, the Airedaleans realized that they would have to assume a disguise in order to mix in freely with the Hoomans, and luckily for them, by this time they already bore a certain, superficial resemblance to a subspecies of the canine family. Therefore under the terms of the great Airedalean treaty of 1505 (never before disclosed to Hoomans) the Airedaleans shortened their species name from Airedalean to Airedale, stopped speaking directly with the Hoomans, and assumed a disguise as domestic pets. While they did have to hide for three hundred years until it was safe to associate freely with humans (one supposes that they used the intervening years as a trial period to perfect their disguises and techniques), it is also safe to assume that they also used that same period as an opportunity to modify Hooman culture and behavior, and to invest heavily in the stock market. Although the Airedaleans' own records themselves from this period ­ in the public versions, at least ­ are somewhat incomplete and often self-contradictory, it is nevertheless clear that they made many efforts to interfere in Hooman society in this period, not always for comprehensible purposes (or for Hooman-beneficial purposes, for that matter). Witness, for instance, the migration of the Hoomans from Europe to North and South America in search of the fabled lost "Cities of PetsMart", not to mention the vain search for the so-called "Fountain of SNOOL". (See notes 17,354 and 1,195,237 later in this document.)

Only rarely has their disguise been penetrated by Hoomans even to this very day, and then generally only on the modern-day web where these latter-day Airedaleans feel more free to express themselves on the keyboards to which they have access. The only other area in which this disguise has become transparent, by the way, is in their play with the so-called "cat" species ­ the former lower and despised servant class on their giant flying saucer. For details on this relationship and how to comprehend it, please see Part MMMDCXVIII below, "relationships with other, lower orders of critter."

Part III ­ early modern history of the Airedaleans

After the return to the surface of the planet, in merging with the "Hoomans" the Airedaleans realized that certain changes in Hooman society were necessary. First, the Hoomans had to be fully domesticated (not to mention housebroken), and considering the temperament of the average Hooman of earlier eras, this was no easy task. However through full control of all mail and other communications systems of the Hoomans, the Airedaleans were able to restructure society so that the average "Hooman in the street", as it were, was immediately able to recognize that the Airedaleans are a superior species and is deserving of full deference in all important matters. Hence today, for instance, when a Hooman accompanied by an Airedalean wishes to enter a building with a sign stipulating "NO DOGS ALLOWED," the Hooman merely has to point out "THIS IS AN AIREDALE," and both Hooman and Airedalean are allowed to enter freely.

Their overall influence cannot be underestimated in modern times, however. Despite their disguise, their handiwork is plain to see to any serious observer. Witness, for instance, the digging of the Panama canal: can any serious researcher fall for that guff about *machines* having been used to dig it? And what of the famous first telephone "call" by Alexander Graham Bell, "Mr. Watkins, come here. I need you to help with this FUZZFACED creature." Not to mention the way it was cleverly re-arranged to send up not Airedaleans but monkeys in the early rocket test flights (ever notice how the count-downs seem rather barked into the mike? Think about it...). And finally what of the laying of the first transatlantic cables: obviously these were intended to be used as the world's first trans-oceanic pull-ropes and we Hoomans have mis-used them ever since.

Thus in modern times, we have inventions which have no known inventors and which most likely are the result of the work of disguised Airedaleans. These would include (among others), the so-called "doggy-door", the disappearing leash, BEARDCRUD, and television infomercials, just to name a few. [However, this editor must take exception to one claim of Merlin and Sarah: it is highly unlikely that a disguised Airedalean or a group thereof actually invented sex. Although denied by modern advertising and many of our own parents, it is still quite likely that sex existed in pre-modern times. And if it actually was "invented" and didn't "just happen," then it was almost certainly invented by some other group, and one with far less imagination. This is, however, the only point of their long discussion which seems somewhat exaggerated.]

Part IV ­ modern history of the Airedaleans

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Merlin and Sarah got into the gin while I was transcribing their earlier conversations, and I was able to get a little more information out of them. Now that I know of their weakness for salami slathered in gin, it looks pretty certain that there will be a sequel to this document, and possibly a lucrative movie contract as well. Hmmm. I wonder if Arnold Schwarzeneger is available to play me?

In modern times, Airedaleans have surreptitiously run multi-national conglomerates (which explains why the stocks in my 401K have behaved so strangely of late, not to mention the company I work for... Oh, no. I'd *never* do that...), invented the personal compusterer (the "PC"), controlled the World Wide Wag, owned and driven Buicks, ordered pizza over the phone, and performed many other undetected actions which influence our lives every day. Currently one is disguised as the president of the United States (which pretty much explains a lot of things, particularly his fondness for women's bu**s [sorry ladies, but Merlin and Sarah are pretty frank in their discussions ­ I've left out most of the graphic details elsewhere, but this one was necessary - ed.]). Single-handedly (single pawedly?) they not only stopped the hostilities of World War Three but they also hypnotized the entire Hooman population of the planet and made everyone forget that it had ever even happened, leaving everyone with the impression that it was just some botched preparations for the summer Olympics. Of course it only lasted for about 2 hours in the early 1980's, but their ability to exercise such extraordinary control over the Hoomans is impressive nevertheless.

Some of the most impressive accomplishments of the modern Airedaleans include:

¨ The total elimination of the great Sahara forest in northern Africa (they got tired of all of those prickly trees);

¨ The resinking of Atlantis when it mysteriously rose from the sea floor just after the turn of the 20th century;

¨ The creation of the home shopping and woofing network;

¨ The invention of birth control for Hoomans (so that we wouldn't crowd them out of their favorite parks);

¨ Cat leash-laws (need we say more); and most imporantly

¨ The toilet paper roll ­ available in 500-, 600-, 650-, 750- and 1000--sheet rolls of their all-time favorite snack.

Some of the modern Airedaleans who are secretly running things today include the following:

....

ANOTHER EDITOR'S NOTE:

At this point, Merlin and Sarah suddenly clammed up and began to refuse to discuss any further details of the history of the Airedaleans on our planet ­ something about an upcoming "coup d'Airedales" and an armada of Airedalean saucers currently en route here to support them ....

But they were also sobering up a little by this time and may just have been trying to cover up their faux pas (four paws?) of having given away too many Airedalean secrets. They just keep saying that we should stay tuned for the January 1st announcements on the Airenet, right after the big takeover...

I'll try to get them liquored up again real soon to finish this turkey...

NOTES

#1. References to the ....

** Chomp chomP CruNCh **

MERLIN! SARAH! STOP EATING THE KEYBOARD! I CAN'T TYPE IF YOU DO THAT]

** ChOMpEY CRUnch SNaRF GUlP **

OH WELL, WE'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT NOTES ANYWAY, I GUESS...